HEY LADIES: Check your PDAs.

SKETCHY CLUB, VG: I was totally checking you out, woman, so I sent a txt msg to your phon. You know you got it, so why don't you give it a look / listen? Yes, it's one of those ultra high-powered 3D ones. It will totally wrangle you in and make you want to have smiles with me. We like to look happy, don't we? And wouldn't we do so together much? I think so.

I know that I'm reasonably cute, so we could totally work it out. And of course I'm crazy for you, lady, so this can be great if you would do me a solid and return the favour. Btdubs, I'm not sure what you call you. Woman? Lady? Gal? Female? Obvs you're no girl because you're older than a teenager.. though hopefully not by much, ha! Because I don't date anyone who's more than 1/5 my age!! And I'm quite old!

I mean, not that old. But yeah, I'm around 400 years old. And I'm sorry, but I am!! No!! I'm not going to apologize just for being who I am. This is me. If you can't see me, then you're missing the whole picture, babe. I am a person, and [[steps onto milk crate]] if this is not the person who can photo yourself being with, then golly dashart, this is not AMERICA! [[massive cheering and applause]]

So what u doin tonit?

NEW POST: This will tell you something

ANTARKANSAS, TX: There's a lot of stuff this won't tell you. There's also a bit that you'd rather not hear, so I'll respect your request for privacy. And yes, I've been getting feedback that this looks like the fake text that appears in spamvertisement emails, yet that won't deter me.

I think that things happen for a reason. Like for instance, something happened not too long ago, and that made me smile. Maybe it was because a man was staring at me angrily. Maybe it was because I was enjoying some fresh air. Maybe it was because I accidentally crushed my conditional container while in the shower with the strength of my bare hands.

Regardless, they affect not just me but often others nearby. We order food. We get the food. We eat the food. And then soon enough, we're ready for more. It's up to you to decide what to eat, in this case. Try to make it healthy, right? Well am I correct or not? I'm still waiting to hear back from you.

In closing, I would like to repeat what I've already said earlier on in this term paper but change the wording slightly. So maybe not talk about the beef and vegetables but this time focus on the positive outlook on like that's necessary for you to get anywhere. Because if there's one thing I'm good at, it's turning historical prose into yet another chance for me to lecture you on how you're living your life.

FOUND OUT: Facts that will effect you dearly

OLD LAKE, JM: Hi. Before I begin with this crazy important brief and tedious news bulletin, let me tell you that I am looking great today. I don't know how I do it, but I just somehow do. It could possibly be the hair gel that I thought about getting, or perhaps the fact that I finally "stuck a fork in it". Either way (probably neither of those), I'm feeling quite fine, and ain't nobody going to ruin my high.

So, on to the next one. I hear that there's some killer new apps out for the phone-phone (that thing that rings or plays a song or shakes when someone wants to talk to you?) that you may want to check out, for they will have life-threatening consequences if you don't. This one does some amazing stuff. So cool that I'm not going to bother to provide any other details.

Also, have you heard the news? Someone died recently. I'm sorry to have had to break it to you like this, but I just did. And no, that's not a spoiler, because it hasn't happened yet!! Oh, it will though.. Very soon. I hear that he or she was very important to someone. He was a person who lived his life to the fullest, and my how he loved to laugh. That guy. Couldn't stop laughing.

Finally, I am of the opinion that there could be more done to affect the economy. Specifically, the oil spill. I mean don't get me wrong, there are lots of cool PR spins, and some people are getting hired, and others fired, and some are racing yachts and apologizing, but really? I mean, really? On the rillz, as they say? Let's put in a napkin and start building some roads, people!! Government infrastructure! Vote!

I'm sick of the coffee drinkers having all the say! What about us hot cocoa'ers!! Think of the children? When do they get to vote? Oh, when they turn 18? Well, that makes sense. Sometimes after I vote, I like to tell my friends, "I votod."

NOW BIGGER, BADDER

PENNSAUKEN, NJ: We live in an era where things exist. Not just anything, but specific things. Other things as well. Often, we'd like to make additional money or else get more for less. Well, now we can.

It's been a lot of work, but you've finally created something very exciting for us. We just can't wait for you to unveil your latest creation. It's going to be something else, you can assure us of that.

Winding our way through the main streets, we seek you out. You say you don't want to ruin the surprise, but we know you're just dying to drop some hints; at least a few. If you proceed to clam up, then we're going to have to bat it out of you, and you probably don't want that.

Thanks so much for doing this for us. We can't say how helpful it is. Many have tried to hold us back and sell us small items while making pithy remarks, but not you. No, you have been nothing but the kindest, gentlest person for us. Waiting is difficult, but we will do what we can. Thanks.

SPILLING: Water

CRANSTON, NJ: I took a walk down the street. I was holding some red juice in my hand. Not in a cup. Well, my hands were cupped. It was fun. But then I tripped, and it got all over my shirt. My brand new white shirt!!

I was so unhappy. Life is tough some times. So I went to wash it. I poured soap and water into the sink and let it soak as I hoped for the best. Witnesses describe my mood as "melodramatic".

Later on, I was seen strutting somewhere else, this time holding some blue juice in my cupped hands, wearing another crisp, clean tee. This person never learns.

NEWS BULLETIN: People Could Die

CITY, TOWN: There was something that happened somewhere. From what I remember, there was a lot of screaming. People ran from one place to another. Then they waited a lot. If they hadn't been so careful, some people could have died. It was a pretty dangerous situation.

We're looking at grainy videotape footage in order to determine what actually occurred. Hopefully we'll have some results soon. I hear it's raining outside? We believe it was a man that committed the original act, although it may very well have been a woman.

This little misfortune cost the industry over 37 billion dollars. Imagine what would've happened had some people gotten hurt! An extra $42.59 of debt! Yikes! But thankfully, it didn't.

We appreciate the work of all those who've done great jobs scouting for signs of trouble. I'm sure it's quite difficult, and you totally did it. Excellent job. We really like those of you who are on horseback. Now if you can turn off the spigot somehow, that would be great too. Your PR advertisements aren't fooling me. Although to be honest, for many years, they were, and I thought you were great. Keep at it.

In Which Soce Goes Back in Time

The names's Guillaume. Don't forget the name. Video created by smallGRAND productions. Video Produced by Dan Haley. Video Directed and edited by Rachel Gordon. Music performed and produced by Soce the Elemental Wizard.

Let's talk about more math.

These two guys are absolutely thrilled to talk about the size of soce's farm.. mathematically. Why doesn't he just tell him the answer in the first place?

SAUCE: It got that sauce

EATERY, VA: Sometimes food can be good, but it can also be dry. Don't you hate that? You want to sink your teeth it, but sometimes you need to cough a few times first before taking a bite. But then once you're fully prepared, everything's fine.

So you may want to add in a little liquid that also contains flavoring. I also tend to like things that are spicy. Don't you? If I'm not crying while eating, then well.. what's the point? Oh, to provide me with nutrients because I'm a growing boy and/or girl, you say? I suppose, dear, I suppose.

Do yourself a favor and grab a bottle today. Interesting that sauce rarely comes in cans. It may be in a jar. Sometimes, it's just curry powder, and then you have to add in coconut milk or some other such substance. Gosh, this is a bit of an educational post, sort of. I didn't mean for it to be like that. I should get back to telling you important news. We shall see, won't we.

Two guys talk about math.

Imagine that. Oh, but it doesn't stop here.

OPINION PIECE: Does a phone cost money?

Hi. This is the editor here, and I have something to say. All this time, I have been using a phone, and I had no idea whether or not it costs money. So let's examine some facts and come to a conclusion. Do you like that idea? I feel that's really the only way to be certain. Besides, it's not a democracy. I'm here to write; you're here to read. That being said, I do appreciate your feedback, even if I ultimately don't heed it.

Fact 1) Phones have buttons. These buttons must be pushed numerous times if you wish to connect your phone to someone else's. At that point, you must raise the phone up to your face in order that your voice may be heard. Note that it is not necessary to speak into a phone if the person you're trying to communicate with is standing nearby. In that case, simply face the direction of said operative and speak toward his or her ears. That should suffice, as long as you are making sense.

Fact 2) You don't need to insert money into the phone. This and this alone would lead me to believe that phones are free. Here I am, talking, texting and web surfing (on some models.. can you imagine!) without paying anybody anything. All that really happens is that I receive an envelope mailed to my home address with some pieces of paper, and then some numbers change on a website and in a database somewhere, but it's not like I need to reach into my wallet every time I make a call, right? I mean, who would I even give the money to?? That would be just silly, handing out dollar bills to anyone who happened to be passing by.

Fact 3) I can't have everything that I want. This is more of an annoyance than an actual fact. For reals, though, why can't I? I think I'm a good person who deserves the best, but apparently not everyone else does. I guess it's up to me to go around convincing them or at least to let my work speak for itself. But work can't talk! It's not like my work is alive. Well, supposedly it lives on in people's hearts, but that's another matter altogether.

Okay so in total, we have one point toward, one against and another in a third direction. I guess that makes it a multi-way tie. I might need to bring in some experts on the matter.

THIS JUST IN: coffee machine explodes

Okay, well it didn't actually explode. There was more like a drip and a funny noise coming out of it when I pushed some buttons this morning. The buttons were on my cellphone, but I was in the office kitchen, getting some, you know, cereal and stuff? I like to have whole grains in the morning. I mean, who doesn't?

But then I looked over at yon coffee machine, and before you know it, there was beeping about some error message this and "needs more water" that, so I called over my friend Janice for help. You know Janice, right? She's pretty cool.

We talked it over and figured the best thing to do would be to return it to the manufacturer, but we didn't know how to unplug it from the wall or the water pipes (nor did we have a way to box it up and press "send"), so we just left it there. I hope it's okay.

Prologue: I came back the next day, and it seemed to be working fine, although truth be told, I don't really like coffee. Perhaps someone else fixed it. But there's no cereal left today, which sucks. I guess I'll have oatmeal instead.

This story was brought to you by cereal (our corporate sponsor). Thanks, cereal. Have some today (if it's in your kitchen).

BREAKING NEWS

If you thought that our newscast style was something in writing, wait til you see it on video! We hope you enjoy the truth we have to reveal to you. Also, we warn you that not watching it could be dangerous. It might not be dangerous.. but is that a risk you really want to take?

NEWS: Impending Doom

ISLAND MOUNTAINS, THE WORLD: The world is at risk of impending doom. We have super serious scientific evidence that this is such. We're so sad and sorry to say, but our job is to deliver you the truth, no matter how painful that may be. We've seen storm patterns and rain clouds, fire and brimstone, mixed fabrics and reality TV.

Please start purchasing extra amounts of duct tape and water bottles. Make sure the water bottles are empty so that you can fill them later. But don't get the nice, designer quality bottles, get the actual ones that you buy in the grocery / convenience store for around a dollar per bottle, empty out the water currently in them and then store the bottles themselves for future use. You're welcome.

Also, if you live somewhere with shoes hanging over the streetlights by the laces, then it's already over.

SPECIAL: soce scrubs his hands.. like A LOT

ANYWHERE: It's true. I couldn't stop staring at him, but mostly at his hands. They were withered husks of hands; no more dead skin; all the skin was alive. It made me write poetry, but not about his hands. Nope, I wrote about the stars and the sun and the sky. I read it to my girlfriend. She thought it was beautiful.

We went back to the sink, and he was still there. I was absolutely flabbergasted. We asked him to leave. It was our turn now. To wash. Our hands. In the sink. We cried. We hugged. We begged. Still, he would not leave. Ever eternally, he remains. Washing his hands.

FUN FACT: soce likes videogames

But he is not alone. Apparently number one from the streets headliner killer emcee P.A.T. is a fan as well and has been one for quite some time. Find out more by listening to their BAAB Remix.

MASHED UP: Pop-Ups

Pop-Up ads are everywhere on the internet, but there's only so much you can get out of text. soce has helpfully added vibrant sound and music to make them truly leap out at you, or "pop", as we say in the business of notebooking.

DISCOVERED: soce reading a tennis ball

ROSE FAIR COUNTRY CLUB: soce was sitting next to a tennis court, inside a gazebo. He was wearing white shorts, a white polo shirt, white sneakers and white socks. His hair, surprisingly, was still brown. Oh and also he was reading a tennis ball.. although you may have already known that from reading the title of this article.

Witnesses pondered what he could have found so exciting about said tennis ball, as from their vantage point, all it had written on it was "Tennis Ball", and the name of the manufacturer. Do tennis balls also list their ingredients? Possible on the can, but on the ball itself? Is that important to know? Was there some sort of secret code that could be leading to treasure?

Is soce in on it, but nobody else is? Is someone else in on it? Does he have a partner somewhere? Perhaps multiple partners? Was he even at a tennis court at all? When was the last time you heard someone talk about a gazebo before reading it here? Are you alive? What is religion? Who are we? Democrat or Republican? Do you ever find yourself being attracted to people you can't stand?

All these questions and more will be asked in a future newscast.. Stay tuned.

SURPRISE: soce is a two-headed goat

LADAKH, KASHMIR: People have spotted a two-headed goat walking down the streets, and they are positive beyond a doubt that it is soce. They saw the goat being herded by a particularly sexy blonde celebrate named [Ed: Name withheld by request.], and she was doing her trademark action of [Ed: Action withheld by request], along with [Ed: Withheld by request] and [Ed: etc].

How are they so positive that it's soce? "Welllll..." began a man who was actually quite handsome, and we're thinking about approaching him for his phone number after this interview wraps up.. but it's actually kind of tough because despite our serious exterior, we're really quite shy and forlorn about our own life situations and placement, "He had soce's swagger, he was all like walking down the street and talking to himself.

"Mostly speaking in goat tongue of course, but he had this inimitable rhythm to his flow, it was like there was a real message to it. Even a story, perhaps. Oh, and when he wasn't speaking his cute lil goat language, he was quacking like a duck, or possibly tweeting like a fish, oops I mean bird chick." Our witness then leaned forward, and we saw that he had a very hairy chest.. Dreamy. We leaned toward him as well to perhaps give him a small peck on the neck, but we accidentally bumped heads.. That was a bit awkward, but he played it off now by ignoring that it ever happened, finally adding, "I have to go."

So this goat walked around the city some more and then was seen scaling some rock cliffs. The woman he was with sometimes had to assist him, pushing him up the really steep parts. In exchange, he let her ride him during the flat parts. She seemed mostly at ease, although sometimes she was visibly distressed, making claims about "needing to reschedule a meeting with her publicist".

Most people were impressed at seeing soce for the first time. Others, not so much. Trent Trinkleberry had this on his mind, "It's a lot like when MTV2 came out with their logo The Two-Headed Dog, and they had a website and everything. I mean it was all over Friendster in the 80s, oh wait I mean like 2003-2004. It was weird, too because they played some videos such as 'Extreme Walking' that had been played on MTV1 years before, so it wasn't even like they were ushering in anything new. And that's how I feel about soce as well."

Not ushering in anything new, you say? In response, soce's right head had this to say, "Blort." While his left head, during a different interview, stated: "Baaaaaah."

DATING: Asians