Monday, August 31, 2009

FOUND: Two Celebrities Holding Hands

NIGHTCLUB, MAIN ST: Two celebrities were discovered holding hands last night while walking down the street. They had never been seen together until now. So, it's official. We're letting people know that not only are they dating, but they have eloped, married and had a whole litter of bouncing beautiful babies. We wish them the best of luck.

One of the celebrities was interviewed, saying on record (and I quote): "Yeah we are good friends, and I like when we spend time together." The other one challenged that assumption with, "Oh him? I actually was losing my balance, and he reached out to grab my hand and pull me back up. We probably had skin-to-skin contact for all of about, what? Like four seconds."

Oh, but it was the four seconds heard [Ed. Note: "seen"?] around the world. We at the media elite headquarters are utterly shocked and never would have predicted in a million years that these two would have ended up together. Seriously. If we spent a whole million years trying to guess which to stars would end up as a couple, these two never would have crossed our minds.

In other news, we believe we may have spotted another illogical grouping of people down the street as well. We're heading over there to investigate, and we'll get back to you shortly, or not at all!

Thursday, August 27, 2009


THIS JUST IN: We have a missing witness. We're sorry. Nobody's perfect. As always, we'll give you more details as we come across them. Until then, we shall continue to both speculate and ask open-ended questions, letting you know what we don't know. Thanks for bearing with us.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

SPOTTED: soce pushes buttons on piece of plastic

AKVILIGJUAQ, NUNAVUT: We have recently received word that Mr. Soce (US, NYC) has been seen walking about the street and pushing various buttons on a piece of plastic. It may be partially metallic as well, or there could be some glass. Perhaps it is just clear plastic. We're not quite sure what he's doing or why.

At times, he is smiling, other times looking woeful. Recently, he switched from using his thumbs and is now poking at it using other fingers. Perhaps he may begin using his nose or elbows. Well, probably not. I mean, the buttons don't appear to be all that big. Plus then he'd have a hard time seeing the screen. I mean, really.

There was a witness who noted the color of the machine he was holding, but we apologize as we recently lost him. In fact our next article is going to be about a missing witness, so I guess that's a bit of a heads up.. If you know of a man who's missing, then please by all means report to us, just as we have been reporting to you. But perhaps don't report to us about soce and his mysterious box-type thing.. Let us know about the absent witness instead.

In other news.. Oh wait, soce appears to have put the piece of plastic in his pocket. No, oops he's taken it back out again. It seems the plastic tablet has a bit of control over his life. I wonder what it does. We are currently reporting that we have no idea what it's for, but we will continue to tell you what we do and don't know. For instance, we're not sure if it's square or round, or it may possibly be a rounded square.

I believe that it does something. I mean, it would be silly if he were just pushing buttons all day on a lifeless object that made nary a sound or image, amirite, folks? Maybe it delivers some information or else helps him out in a way. It could be a form of entertainment, although he mostly seems to curse at it. Hold up. I just heard him say, "Dog-gonnit!!!" He sounds pretty mad. Oh wait. I believe *I* am that missing witness we discussed earlier. Mystery solved. Hey, where's my film crew?

Sunday, August 16, 2009

SOMETHING: soce dances at club

UNDISCLOSED LOCATION, STATE: "Well, first, he put his left foot in... But in what?" pensively asks a man whose name we forgot. "I think it was in the middle of the dance floor, but it easily could have been on his way to either the bar or the bathroom. I think at one point, he ordered a drink and maybe even tried to talk to someone there."

Later on, while he was filling out his information on a form (which we subsequently lost... sorry!), our witness filled us in on the following tidbit: "I remember it being quite dark in the club, and I was a bit buzzed, so it may have been someone else."

Nevertheless, other corroborate his story by claiming they say "a man" who was "around six feet tall", with "brown hair" and "a mustache", as well as "the rest of his beard too" "walking" around "the" "club". Also they claim that soce knew how to cut a rug, or at least he told many other patrons that he did, even showing them samples of various types of carpeting.

"I wasn't in the mood to purchase his wares that night," someone told 'us', "However, he does have quite an intriguing pitch. He said that if we bought one, we could get another as well. Not half-off, not free, but just that we were allowed to buy more than one floor covering at a time, which I guess was pretty cool. They would still ship separately."

Some of the other moves soce busted out [[Ed note: We're not supposed to use slang in this here article! Please fix before final printing!!!]] included the doo-wop, the hip-de-dip, the shamalama-ding-dong, the hop-de-bop, the superman, the sprinkler, the carton swing and crowd surfing, which mostly consisted of him jumping into the arms of that same man over and over again.

When further questioned, said man didn't want us to quote him, but told us practically verbatim that he thought soce was just messing with him, although perhaps it meant something more. He then thought about a funny joke his aunt once told him and burst out laughing while simultaneously walking away from us backward. We weren't quite sure what to make of it.

Friday, August 14, 2009

HEADLINE: soce buys groceries

WASILLA, AK: Last night, soce, the elemental wizard (a/k/a soce, TEW) was spotted at a grocery store. Fellow patrons believed that he was carrying a baby on his chest. On closer inspection, it turned out that it wasn't.

People believe he may have purchased milk, as well as eggs, but they are unsure whether or not they were organic, field-raised, cage-raised, grass-fed or mutation-fed. Also it's unclear whether or not they were white or brown.

"He spent a very long time in the cereal isle," contends claims-adjuster Duncan Federline. "I kept waiting for him to move onto another isle, but he just stayed there. Eventually I had to go elsewhere myself. I mean, it's fun enough to just spend all day watching one of my most favorite celebs, but I got kids to feed, and they're not going to have any food unless I finish shopping at this here grocery store."

Later on, soce purchased some ice cream.

Interestingly enough, he did not end up using a shopping cart, instead piling a few goods into a hand-held basket. At the checkout line, he pulled out a bunch of plastic bags from his pocket. They were all from different stores, but he was able to fit all of his groceries inside.

Meredith Clancy iReported: "I guess it's good that he did his part to help save the environment a little bit. After all, 'no trans fats' is a rule I think we should always follow. Wait, what were we talking about?" [[Editor's Note: We were very upset at Meredith's response, but we decided to keep it in nonetheless. Now, how's that for integrity!]]

Also, some other stuff happened, we think.