Let's talk about more math.

These two guys are absolutely thrilled to talk about the size of soce's farm.. mathematically. Why doesn't he just tell him the answer in the first place?

SAUCE: It got that sauce

EATERY, VA: Sometimes food can be good, but it can also be dry. Don't you hate that? You want to sink your teeth it, but sometimes you need to cough a few times first before taking a bite. But then once you're fully prepared, everything's fine.

So you may want to add in a little liquid that also contains flavoring. I also tend to like things that are spicy. Don't you? If I'm not crying while eating, then well.. what's the point? Oh, to provide me with nutrients because I'm a growing boy and/or girl, you say? I suppose, dear, I suppose.

Do yourself a favor and grab a bottle today. Interesting that sauce rarely comes in cans. It may be in a jar. Sometimes, it's just curry powder, and then you have to add in coconut milk or some other such substance. Gosh, this is a bit of an educational post, sort of. I didn't mean for it to be like that. I should get back to telling you important news. We shall see, won't we.

Two guys talk about math.

Imagine that. Oh, but it doesn't stop here.

OPINION PIECE: Does a phone cost money?

Hi. This is the editor here, and I have something to say. All this time, I have been using a phone, and I had no idea whether or not it costs money. So let's examine some facts and come to a conclusion. Do you like that idea? I feel that's really the only way to be certain. Besides, it's not a democracy. I'm here to write; you're here to read. That being said, I do appreciate your feedback, even if I ultimately don't heed it.

Fact 1) Phones have buttons. These buttons must be pushed numerous times if you wish to connect your phone to someone else's. At that point, you must raise the phone up to your face in order that your voice may be heard. Note that it is not necessary to speak into a phone if the person you're trying to communicate with is standing nearby. In that case, simply face the direction of said operative and speak toward his or her ears. That should suffice, as long as you are making sense.

Fact 2) You don't need to insert money into the phone. This and this alone would lead me to believe that phones are free. Here I am, talking, texting and web surfing (on some models.. can you imagine!) without paying anybody anything. All that really happens is that I receive an envelope mailed to my home address with some pieces of paper, and then some numbers change on a website and in a database somewhere, but it's not like I need to reach into my wallet every time I make a call, right? I mean, who would I even give the money to?? That would be just silly, handing out dollar bills to anyone who happened to be passing by.

Fact 3) I can't have everything that I want. This is more of an annoyance than an actual fact. For reals, though, why can't I? I think I'm a good person who deserves the best, but apparently not everyone else does. I guess it's up to me to go around convincing them or at least to let my work speak for itself. But work can't talk! It's not like my work is alive. Well, supposedly it lives on in people's hearts, but that's another matter altogether.

Okay so in total, we have one point toward, one against and another in a third direction. I guess that makes it a multi-way tie. I might need to bring in some experts on the matter.

THIS JUST IN: coffee machine explodes

Okay, well it didn't actually explode. There was more like a drip and a funny noise coming out of it when I pushed some buttons this morning. The buttons were on my cellphone, but I was in the office kitchen, getting some, you know, cereal and stuff? I like to have whole grains in the morning. I mean, who doesn't?

But then I looked over at yon coffee machine, and before you know it, there was beeping about some error message this and "needs more water" that, so I called over my friend Janice for help. You know Janice, right? She's pretty cool.

We talked it over and figured the best thing to do would be to return it to the manufacturer, but we didn't know how to unplug it from the wall or the water pipes (nor did we have a way to box it up and press "send"), so we just left it there. I hope it's okay.

Prologue: I came back the next day, and it seemed to be working fine, although truth be told, I don't really like coffee. Perhaps someone else fixed it. But there's no cereal left today, which sucks. I guess I'll have oatmeal instead.

This story was brought to you by cereal (our corporate sponsor). Thanks, cereal. Have some today (if it's in your kitchen).

BREAKING NEWS

If you thought that our newscast style was something in writing, wait til you see it on video! We hope you enjoy the truth we have to reveal to you. Also, we warn you that not watching it could be dangerous. It might not be dangerous.. but is that a risk you really want to take?

NEWS: Impending Doom

ISLAND MOUNTAINS, THE WORLD: The world is at risk of impending doom. We have super serious scientific evidence that this is such. We're so sad and sorry to say, but our job is to deliver you the truth, no matter how painful that may be. We've seen storm patterns and rain clouds, fire and brimstone, mixed fabrics and reality TV.

Please start purchasing extra amounts of duct tape and water bottles. Make sure the water bottles are empty so that you can fill them later. But don't get the nice, designer quality bottles, get the actual ones that you buy in the grocery / convenience store for around a dollar per bottle, empty out the water currently in them and then store the bottles themselves for future use. You're welcome.

Also, if you live somewhere with shoes hanging over the streetlights by the laces, then it's already over.

SPECIAL: soce scrubs his hands.. like A LOT

ANYWHERE: It's true. I couldn't stop staring at him, but mostly at his hands. They were withered husks of hands; no more dead skin; all the skin was alive. It made me write poetry, but not about his hands. Nope, I wrote about the stars and the sun and the sky. I read it to my girlfriend. She thought it was beautiful.

We went back to the sink, and he was still there. I was absolutely flabbergasted. We asked him to leave. It was our turn now. To wash. Our hands. In the sink. We cried. We hugged. We begged. Still, he would not leave. Ever eternally, he remains. Washing his hands.

FUN FACT: soce likes videogames

But he is not alone. Apparently number one from the streets headliner killer emcee P.A.T. is a fan as well and has been one for quite some time. Find out more by listening to their BAAB Remix.

MASHED UP: Pop-Ups

Pop-Up ads are everywhere on the internet, but there's only so much you can get out of text. soce has helpfully added vibrant sound and music to make them truly leap out at you, or "pop", as we say in the business of notebooking.

DISCOVERED: soce reading a tennis ball

ROSE FAIR COUNTRY CLUB: soce was sitting next to a tennis court, inside a gazebo. He was wearing white shorts, a white polo shirt, white sneakers and white socks. His hair, surprisingly, was still brown. Oh and also he was reading a tennis ball.. although you may have already known that from reading the title of this article.

Witnesses pondered what he could have found so exciting about said tennis ball, as from their vantage point, all it had written on it was "Tennis Ball", and the name of the manufacturer. Do tennis balls also list their ingredients? Possible on the can, but on the ball itself? Is that important to know? Was there some sort of secret code that could be leading to treasure?

Is soce in on it, but nobody else is? Is someone else in on it? Does he have a partner somewhere? Perhaps multiple partners? Was he even at a tennis court at all? When was the last time you heard someone talk about a gazebo before reading it here? Are you alive? What is religion? Who are we? Democrat or Republican? Do you ever find yourself being attracted to people you can't stand?

All these questions and more will be asked in a future newscast.. Stay tuned.

SURPRISE: soce is a two-headed goat

LADAKH, KASHMIR: People have spotted a two-headed goat walking down the streets, and they are positive beyond a doubt that it is soce. They saw the goat being herded by a particularly sexy blonde celebrate named [Ed: Name withheld by request.], and she was doing her trademark action of [Ed: Action withheld by request], along with [Ed: Withheld by request] and [Ed: etc].

How are they so positive that it's soce? "Welllll..." began a man who was actually quite handsome, and we're thinking about approaching him for his phone number after this interview wraps up.. but it's actually kind of tough because despite our serious exterior, we're really quite shy and forlorn about our own life situations and placement, "He had soce's swagger, he was all like walking down the street and talking to himself.

"Mostly speaking in goat tongue of course, but he had this inimitable rhythm to his flow, it was like there was a real message to it. Even a story, perhaps. Oh, and when he wasn't speaking his cute lil goat language, he was quacking like a duck, or possibly tweeting like a fish, oops I mean bird chick." Our witness then leaned forward, and we saw that he had a very hairy chest.. Dreamy. We leaned toward him as well to perhaps give him a small peck on the neck, but we accidentally bumped heads.. That was a bit awkward, but he played it off now by ignoring that it ever happened, finally adding, "I have to go."

So this goat walked around the city some more and then was seen scaling some rock cliffs. The woman he was with sometimes had to assist him, pushing him up the really steep parts. In exchange, he let her ride him during the flat parts. She seemed mostly at ease, although sometimes she was visibly distressed, making claims about "needing to reschedule a meeting with her publicist".

Most people were impressed at seeing soce for the first time. Others, not so much. Trent Trinkleberry had this on his mind, "It's a lot like when MTV2 came out with their logo The Two-Headed Dog, and they had a website and everything. I mean it was all over Friendster in the 80s, oh wait I mean like 2003-2004. It was weird, too because they played some videos such as 'Extreme Walking' that had been played on MTV1 years before, so it wasn't even like they were ushering in anything new. And that's how I feel about soce as well."

Not ushering in anything new, you say? In response, soce's right head had this to say, "Blort." While his left head, during a different interview, stated: "Baaaaaah."

DATING: Asians

SCENE: soce at a party

SAGE THEATER, TIMES SQUARE: This is how soce gets down.

Featuring Dave T. Koenig, Emmy Rivera, Shane Webb, Peter Vellios, Devon Ragsdale, Justin Zell, Dan Venning, Erik Lillimagi, Marcus Caceras Broussard, Jackie Silvestri and Paul M Bauer. Filmed by Liam Ahern.

WATCH THIS: Out Hip Hop Music Videos

We interrupt our extremely general newscast to give you some of the latest out hip hop videos. These are all high quality and deserve to be seen on MTV or whatever video music channel exists these days. Enjoy!

Drew Mason: This Music's In My Soul

ENV: We're Taking Over

Johnny Dangerous: (Wan Dat) Azz Iz

Baron: Party With B

Pam Jones: Malibu Coconut

JFP: Ex-Hos

Melange Lavonne: Gay Bash

MC Flow: Created Equal

FOUND: Two Celebrities Holding Hands

NIGHTCLUB, MAIN ST: Two celebrities were discovered holding hands last night while walking down the street. They had never been seen together until now. So, it's official. We're letting people know that not only are they dating, but they have eloped, married and had a whole litter of bouncing beautiful babies. We wish them the best of luck.

One of the celebrities was interviewed, saying on record (and I quote): "Yeah we are good friends, and I like when we spend time together." The other one challenged that assumption with, "Oh him? I actually was losing my balance, and he reached out to grab my hand and pull me back up. We probably had skin-to-skin contact for all of about, what? Like four seconds."

Oh, but it was the four seconds heard [Ed. Note: "seen"?] around the world. We at the media elite headquarters are utterly shocked and never would have predicted in a million years that these two would have ended up together. Seriously. If we spent a whole million years trying to guess which to stars would end up as a couple, these two never would have crossed our minds.

In other news, we believe we may have spotted another illogical grouping of people down the street as well. We're heading over there to investigate, and we'll get back to you shortly, or not at all!

MISSING WITNESS

THIS JUST IN: We have a missing witness. We're sorry. Nobody's perfect. As always, we'll give you more details as we come across them. Until then, we shall continue to both speculate and ask open-ended questions, letting you know what we don't know. Thanks for bearing with us.

SPOTTED: soce pushes buttons on piece of plastic

AKVILIGJUAQ, NUNAVUT: We have recently received word that Mr. Soce (US, NYC) has been seen walking about the street and pushing various buttons on a piece of plastic. It may be partially metallic as well, or there could be some glass. Perhaps it is just clear plastic. We're not quite sure what he's doing or why.

At times, he is smiling, other times looking woeful. Recently, he switched from using his thumbs and is now poking at it using other fingers. Perhaps he may begin using his nose or elbows. Well, probably not. I mean, the buttons don't appear to be all that big. Plus then he'd have a hard time seeing the screen. I mean, really.

There was a witness who noted the color of the machine he was holding, but we apologize as we recently lost him. In fact our next article is going to be about a missing witness, so I guess that's a bit of a heads up.. If you know of a man who's missing, then please by all means report to us, just as we have been reporting to you. But perhaps don't report to us about soce and his mysterious box-type thing.. Let us know about the absent witness instead.

In other news.. Oh wait, soce appears to have put the piece of plastic in his pocket. No, oops he's taken it back out again. It seems the plastic tablet has a bit of control over his life. I wonder what it does. We are currently reporting that we have no idea what it's for, but we will continue to tell you what we do and don't know. For instance, we're not sure if it's square or round, or it may possibly be a rounded square.

I believe that it does something. I mean, it would be silly if he were just pushing buttons all day on a lifeless object that made nary a sound or image, amirite, folks? Maybe it delivers some information or else helps him out in a way. It could be a form of entertainment, although he mostly seems to curse at it. Hold up. I just heard him say, "Dog-gonnit!!!" He sounds pretty mad. Oh wait. I believe *I* am that missing witness we discussed earlier. Mystery solved. Hey, where's my film crew?

SOMETHING: soce dances at club

UNDISCLOSED LOCATION, STATE: "Well, first, he put his left foot in... But in what?" pensively asks a man whose name we forgot. "I think it was in the middle of the dance floor, but it easily could have been on his way to either the bar or the bathroom. I think at one point, he ordered a drink and maybe even tried to talk to someone there."

Later on, while he was filling out his information on a form (which we subsequently lost... sorry!), our witness filled us in on the following tidbit: "I remember it being quite dark in the club, and I was a bit buzzed, so it may have been someone else."

Nevertheless, other corroborate his story by claiming they say "a man" who was "around six feet tall", with "brown hair" and "a mustache", as well as "the rest of his beard too" "walking" around "the" "club". Also they claim that soce knew how to cut a rug, or at least he told many other patrons that he did, even showing them samples of various types of carpeting.

"I wasn't in the mood to purchase his wares that night," someone told 'us', "However, he does have quite an intriguing pitch. He said that if we bought one, we could get another as well. Not half-off, not free, but just that we were allowed to buy more than one floor covering at a time, which I guess was pretty cool. They would still ship separately."

Some of the other moves soce busted out [[Ed note: We're not supposed to use slang in this here article! Please fix before final printing!!!]] included the doo-wop, the hip-de-dip, the shamalama-ding-dong, the hop-de-bop, the superman, the sprinkler, the carton swing and crowd surfing, which mostly consisted of him jumping into the arms of that same man over and over again.

When further questioned, said man didn't want us to quote him, but told us practically verbatim that he thought soce was just messing with him, although perhaps it meant something more. He then thought about a funny joke his aunt once told him and burst out laughing while simultaneously walking away from us backward. We weren't quite sure what to make of it.

HEADLINE: soce buys groceries

WASILLA, AK: Last night, soce, the elemental wizard (a/k/a soce, TEW) was spotted at a grocery store. Fellow patrons believed that he was carrying a baby on his chest. On closer inspection, it turned out that it wasn't.

People believe he may have purchased milk, as well as eggs, but they are unsure whether or not they were organic, field-raised, cage-raised, grass-fed or mutation-fed. Also it's unclear whether or not they were white or brown.

"He spent a very long time in the cereal isle," contends claims-adjuster Duncan Federline. "I kept waiting for him to move onto another isle, but he just stayed there. Eventually I had to go elsewhere myself. I mean, it's fun enough to just spend all day watching one of my most favorite celebs, but I got kids to feed, and they're not going to have any food unless I finish shopping at this here grocery store."

Later on, soce purchased some ice cream.

Interestingly enough, he did not end up using a shopping cart, instead piling a few goods into a hand-held basket. At the checkout line, he pulled out a bunch of plastic bags from his pocket. They were all from different stores, but he was able to fit all of his groceries inside.

Meredith Clancy iReported: "I guess it's good that he did his part to help save the environment a little bit. After all, 'no trans fats' is a rule I think we should always follow. Wait, what were we talking about?" [[Editor's Note: We were very upset at Meredith's response, but we decided to keep it in nonetheless. Now, how's that for integrity!]]

Also, some other stuff happened, we think.