THIS JUST IN: coffee machine explodes

Okay, well it didn't actually explode. There was more like a drip and a funny noise coming out of it when I pushed some buttons this morning. The buttons were on my cellphone, but I was in the office kitchen, getting some, you know, cereal and stuff? I like to have whole grains in the morning. I mean, who doesn't?

But then I looked over at yon coffee machine, and before you know it, there was beeping about some error message this and "needs more water" that, so I called over my friend Janice for help. You know Janice, right? She's pretty cool.

We talked it over and figured the best thing to do would be to return it to the manufacturer, but we didn't know how to unplug it from the wall or the water pipes (nor did we have a way to box it up and press "send"), so we just left it there. I hope it's okay.

Prologue: I came back the next day, and it seemed to be working fine, although truth be told, I don't really like coffee. Perhaps someone else fixed it. But there's no cereal left today, which sucks. I guess I'll have oatmeal instead.

This story was brought to you by cereal (our corporate sponsor). Thanks, cereal. Have some today (if it's in your kitchen).

BREAKING NEWS

If you thought that our newscast style was something in writing, wait til you see it on video! We hope you enjoy the truth we have to reveal to you. Also, we warn you that not watching it could be dangerous. It might not be dangerous.. but is that a risk you really want to take?

NEWS: Impending Doom

ISLAND MOUNTAINS, THE WORLD: The world is at risk of impending doom. We have super serious scientific evidence that this is such. We're so sad and sorry to say, but our job is to deliver you the truth, no matter how painful that may be. We've seen storm patterns and rain clouds, fire and brimstone, mixed fabrics and reality TV.

Please start purchasing extra amounts of duct tape and water bottles. Make sure the water bottles are empty so that you can fill them later. But don't get the nice, designer quality bottles, get the actual ones that you buy in the grocery / convenience store for around a dollar per bottle, empty out the water currently in them and then store the bottles themselves for future use. You're welcome.

Also, if you live somewhere with shoes hanging over the streetlights by the laces, then it's already over.

SPECIAL: soce scrubs his hands.. like A LOT

ANYWHERE: It's true. I couldn't stop staring at him, but mostly at his hands. They were withered husks of hands; no more dead skin; all the skin was alive. It made me write poetry, but not about his hands. Nope, I wrote about the stars and the sun and the sky. I read it to my girlfriend. She thought it was beautiful.

We went back to the sink, and he was still there. I was absolutely flabbergasted. We asked him to leave. It was our turn now. To wash. Our hands. In the sink. We cried. We hugged. We begged. Still, he would not leave. Ever eternally, he remains. Washing his hands.

FUN FACT: soce likes videogames

But he is not alone. Apparently number one from the streets headliner killer emcee P.A.T. is a fan as well and has been one for quite some time. Find out more by listening to their BAAB Remix.

MASHED UP: Pop-Ups

Pop-Up ads are everywhere on the internet, but there's only so much you can get out of text. soce has helpfully added vibrant sound and music to make them truly leap out at you, or "pop", as we say in the business of notebooking.

DISCOVERED: soce reading a tennis ball

ROSE FAIR COUNTRY CLUB: soce was sitting next to a tennis court, inside a gazebo. He was wearing white shorts, a white polo shirt, white sneakers and white socks. His hair, surprisingly, was still brown. Oh and also he was reading a tennis ball.. although you may have already known that from reading the title of this article.

Witnesses pondered what he could have found so exciting about said tennis ball, as from their vantage point, all it had written on it was "Tennis Ball", and the name of the manufacturer. Do tennis balls also list their ingredients? Possible on the can, but on the ball itself? Is that important to know? Was there some sort of secret code that could be leading to treasure?

Is soce in on it, but nobody else is? Is someone else in on it? Does he have a partner somewhere? Perhaps multiple partners? Was he even at a tennis court at all? When was the last time you heard someone talk about a gazebo before reading it here? Are you alive? What is religion? Who are we? Democrat or Republican? Do you ever find yourself being attracted to people you can't stand?

All these questions and more will be asked in a future newscast.. Stay tuned.

SURPRISE: soce is a two-headed goat

LADAKH, KASHMIR: People have spotted a two-headed goat walking down the streets, and they are positive beyond a doubt that it is soce. They saw the goat being herded by a particularly sexy blonde celebrate named [Ed: Name withheld by request.], and she was doing her trademark action of [Ed: Action withheld by request], along with [Ed: Withheld by request] and [Ed: etc].

How are they so positive that it's soce? "Welllll..." began a man who was actually quite handsome, and we're thinking about approaching him for his phone number after this interview wraps up.. but it's actually kind of tough because despite our serious exterior, we're really quite shy and forlorn about our own life situations and placement, "He had soce's swagger, he was all like walking down the street and talking to himself.

"Mostly speaking in goat tongue of course, but he had this inimitable rhythm to his flow, it was like there was a real message to it. Even a story, perhaps. Oh, and when he wasn't speaking his cute lil goat language, he was quacking like a duck, or possibly tweeting like a fish, oops I mean bird chick." Our witness then leaned forward, and we saw that he had a very hairy chest.. Dreamy. We leaned toward him as well to perhaps give him a small peck on the neck, but we accidentally bumped heads.. That was a bit awkward, but he played it off now by ignoring that it ever happened, finally adding, "I have to go."

So this goat walked around the city some more and then was seen scaling some rock cliffs. The woman he was with sometimes had to assist him, pushing him up the really steep parts. In exchange, he let her ride him during the flat parts. She seemed mostly at ease, although sometimes she was visibly distressed, making claims about "needing to reschedule a meeting with her publicist".

Most people were impressed at seeing soce for the first time. Others, not so much. Trent Trinkleberry had this on his mind, "It's a lot like when MTV2 came out with their logo The Two-Headed Dog, and they had a website and everything. I mean it was all over Friendster in the 80s, oh wait I mean like 2003-2004. It was weird, too because they played some videos such as 'Extreme Walking' that had been played on MTV1 years before, so it wasn't even like they were ushering in anything new. And that's how I feel about soce as well."

Not ushering in anything new, you say? In response, soce's right head had this to say, "Blort." While his left head, during a different interview, stated: "Baaaaaah."

DATING: Asians

SCENE: soce at a party

SAGE THEATER, TIMES SQUARE: This is how soce gets down.

Featuring Dave T. Koenig, Emmy Rivera, Shane Webb, Peter Vellios, Devon Ragsdale, Justin Zell, Dan Venning, Erik Lillimagi, Marcus Caceras Broussard, Jackie Silvestri and Paul M Bauer. Filmed by Liam Ahern.

WATCH THIS: Out Hip Hop Music Videos

We interrupt our extremely general newscast to give you some of the latest out hip hop videos. These are all high quality and deserve to be seen on MTV or whatever video music channel exists these days. Enjoy!

Drew Mason: This Music's In My Soul

ENV: We're Taking Over

Johnny Dangerous: (Wan Dat) Azz Iz

Baron: Party With B

Pam Jones: Malibu Coconut

JFP: Ex-Hos

Melange Lavonne: Gay Bash

MC Flow: Created Equal

FOUND: Two Celebrities Holding Hands

NIGHTCLUB, MAIN ST: Two celebrities were discovered holding hands last night while walking down the street. They had never been seen together until now. So, it's official. We're letting people know that not only are they dating, but they have eloped, married and had a whole litter of bouncing beautiful babies. We wish them the best of luck.

One of the celebrities was interviewed, saying on record (and I quote): "Yeah we are good friends, and I like when we spend time together." The other one challenged that assumption with, "Oh him? I actually was losing my balance, and he reached out to grab my hand and pull me back up. We probably had skin-to-skin contact for all of about, what? Like four seconds."

Oh, but it was the four seconds heard [Ed. Note: "seen"?] around the world. We at the media elite headquarters are utterly shocked and never would have predicted in a million years that these two would have ended up together. Seriously. If we spent a whole million years trying to guess which to stars would end up as a couple, these two never would have crossed our minds.

In other news, we believe we may have spotted another illogical grouping of people down the street as well. We're heading over there to investigate, and we'll get back to you shortly, or not at all!

MISSING WITNESS

THIS JUST IN: We have a missing witness. We're sorry. Nobody's perfect. As always, we'll give you more details as we come across them. Until then, we shall continue to both speculate and ask open-ended questions, letting you know what we don't know. Thanks for bearing with us.

SPOTTED: soce pushes buttons on piece of plastic

AKVILIGJUAQ, NUNAVUT: We have recently received word that Mr. Soce (US, NYC) has been seen walking about the street and pushing various buttons on a piece of plastic. It may be partially metallic as well, or there could be some glass. Perhaps it is just clear plastic. We're not quite sure what he's doing or why.

At times, he is smiling, other times looking woeful. Recently, he switched from using his thumbs and is now poking at it using other fingers. Perhaps he may begin using his nose or elbows. Well, probably not. I mean, the buttons don't appear to be all that big. Plus then he'd have a hard time seeing the screen. I mean, really.

There was a witness who noted the color of the machine he was holding, but we apologize as we recently lost him. In fact our next article is going to be about a missing witness, so I guess that's a bit of a heads up.. If you know of a man who's missing, then please by all means report to us, just as we have been reporting to you. But perhaps don't report to us about soce and his mysterious box-type thing.. Let us know about the absent witness instead.

In other news.. Oh wait, soce appears to have put the piece of plastic in his pocket. No, oops he's taken it back out again. It seems the plastic tablet has a bit of control over his life. I wonder what it does. We are currently reporting that we have no idea what it's for, but we will continue to tell you what we do and don't know. For instance, we're not sure if it's square or round, or it may possibly be a rounded square.

I believe that it does something. I mean, it would be silly if he were just pushing buttons all day on a lifeless object that made nary a sound or image, amirite, folks? Maybe it delivers some information or else helps him out in a way. It could be a form of entertainment, although he mostly seems to curse at it. Hold up. I just heard him say, "Dog-gonnit!!!" He sounds pretty mad. Oh wait. I believe *I* am that missing witness we discussed earlier. Mystery solved. Hey, where's my film crew?

SOMETHING: soce dances at club

UNDISCLOSED LOCATION, STATE: "Well, first, he put his left foot in... But in what?" pensively asks a man whose name we forgot. "I think it was in the middle of the dance floor, but it easily could have been on his way to either the bar or the bathroom. I think at one point, he ordered a drink and maybe even tried to talk to someone there."

Later on, while he was filling out his information on a form (which we subsequently lost... sorry!), our witness filled us in on the following tidbit: "I remember it being quite dark in the club, and I was a bit buzzed, so it may have been someone else."

Nevertheless, other corroborate his story by claiming they say "a man" who was "around six feet tall", with "brown hair" and "a mustache", as well as "the rest of his beard too" "walking" around "the" "club". Also they claim that soce knew how to cut a rug, or at least he told many other patrons that he did, even showing them samples of various types of carpeting.

"I wasn't in the mood to purchase his wares that night," someone told 'us', "However, he does have quite an intriguing pitch. He said that if we bought one, we could get another as well. Not half-off, not free, but just that we were allowed to buy more than one floor covering at a time, which I guess was pretty cool. They would still ship separately."

Some of the other moves soce busted out [[Ed note: We're not supposed to use slang in this here article! Please fix before final printing!!!]] included the doo-wop, the hip-de-dip, the shamalama-ding-dong, the hop-de-bop, the superman, the sprinkler, the carton swing and crowd surfing, which mostly consisted of him jumping into the arms of that same man over and over again.

When further questioned, said man didn't want us to quote him, but told us practically verbatim that he thought soce was just messing with him, although perhaps it meant something more. He then thought about a funny joke his aunt once told him and burst out laughing while simultaneously walking away from us backward. We weren't quite sure what to make of it.

HEADLINE: soce buys groceries

WASILLA, AK: Last night, soce, the elemental wizard (a/k/a soce, TEW) was spotted at a grocery store. Fellow patrons believed that he was carrying a baby on his chest. On closer inspection, it turned out that it wasn't.

People believe he may have purchased milk, as well as eggs, but they are unsure whether or not they were organic, field-raised, cage-raised, grass-fed or mutation-fed. Also it's unclear whether or not they were white or brown.

"He spent a very long time in the cereal isle," contends claims-adjuster Duncan Federline. "I kept waiting for him to move onto another isle, but he just stayed there. Eventually I had to go elsewhere myself. I mean, it's fun enough to just spend all day watching one of my most favorite celebs, but I got kids to feed, and they're not going to have any food unless I finish shopping at this here grocery store."

Later on, soce purchased some ice cream.

Interestingly enough, he did not end up using a shopping cart, instead piling a few goods into a hand-held basket. At the checkout line, he pulled out a bunch of plastic bags from his pocket. They were all from different stores, but he was able to fit all of his groceries inside.

Meredith Clancy iReported: "I guess it's good that he did his part to help save the environment a little bit. After all, 'no trans fats' is a rule I think we should always follow. Wait, what were we talking about?" [[Editor's Note: We were very upset at Meredith's response, but we decided to keep it in nonetheless. Now, how's that for integrity!]]

Also, some other stuff happened, we think.

SHOCKING!! soce attends book-signing

MONTPELIER, VT: It was with great surprise that we came across soce at a local bookstore. There was an in-store reading that night at 7pm. soce showed up at 6pm and wandered about, aimlessly. A few minutes later, he approached someone who was working near the entrance.

"Well first thing he does is he asks me, 'Hey ahhh, is there like a, ahhh, ummm a book reading tonight?' And I tells him, I says, 'Okay man, you're gonna wanna go to the back of the store and then hook a left over by the sign that points to the special events area," maintained Dean Krantz, who was running security detail that night.

He then proceeded to work his way back over there, although he cut across a few aisles instead of just going straight down the projected path. When he arrived, he could see a few others were already waiting around at the rows of chairs that were already set up. There was also a stage, presumably for the author, plus some of the authors books on display as well.

Marianella Paropel, who along with others was helping to run the special event that night told us in a super-exclusive interview: "Yeah I saw this guy, and he came over to the books that were on display. He then asked me how he could get his hands on a copy. Was he supposed to take one of these, then go all the way back to the cash registers to purchase it, then go back all the way to hear or what? I told him no, don't do that at all.

"What he needed to do was go back to the checkout line, but NOT grab any of these display copies, because they would have additional copies on the shelves behind the registers that were meant for purchase, and that way we wouldn't need to restock these display copies. That man the walked away, presumably to do what I told him to do.

"Although I will say this," she added, pausing for effect and even taking a moment to whip out her notepad and draw a sketch of a flying monkey. "Some other people actually did grab display copies. I then did have to refill the shelves before the author got up to speak. The things I do around here."

Witnesses say that after soce finally purchased his own copy of the book, he was seen sitting down in one of the chairs, not too close to the stage, but not too far away either. They believe he even went as far as to open up the book and stare intensely at the pages, turning them every few minutes. It's unclear whether he was actually reading the words on the page or just utilizing his superior acting skills in order to fool anyone nearby.

Eventually the author came over, read a passage from his book and did some q & a. Then there was the signing. Paropel had this to say about it: "Well, we didn't want any sort of mad rush to the stage, because you know how people get after they hear one of their favorite authors speak. So we have this system, you see? We pull people up, row by row. And to make sure the author gets their name right when he signs it, we ask for that person's name and then write it on a post-it that we put inside the book, on the page that includes both the book's title and the author's name.

"Normally, people just told me their names. But when soce came up, he spelled it out for me as "s-o-c-e". Which was good, because I would've probably written 'sossaeugh' if he hadn't specified. Oh, and also!!!" she sputtered out after we had already finished shutting off our tape recorder, forcing us to turn it back on, "We needed to check to make sure people had receipts to our store before letting them get their books signed. Can't just have people buying his book elsewhere and expecting us to let them sign it here! Yiikes, what is this.. the seventies??? Free love and all that crap? Don't come around here looking for no hand-out."

soce looked pretty meek while he stood in line, as though he didn't want to cause any problems. Perhaps he was trying to figure out what to discuss with the author when it was his turn. Or perhaps he was deciding whether or not to get a delicious magic bar at the bookstore's bakery or just get a leek quiche instead, followed by some fresh berries purchased from Whole Foods. Who knows.

Before he reached the front of the line, soce was seen handing off his book to someone who worked at the store. That person then handed the book to the author. soce and the author had a brief conversation. The author apparently recognized soce from previous online correspondences. He initially made the rookie mistake of calling him "So-Cheh", but soce quickly responded that most people think that's how to pronounce his name, so he is used to it, even going so far as to joke that "soce" is actually just a made-up name with a made-up correct pronunciation. As if!!!

Then they discussed some other stuff, such as the future of hip hop music, and soce went merrily on his way. Someone who followed him out of the bookstore and into the subway system [ed note: Montpelier has subways??] heard him say outloud.. "Hmm.. I normally carry my iPod or Nintendo DS with me.. but today, I have neither. If only there was something I could do to pass the time. Oh wait, I have this book I just bought. Fancy that." And then he opened up the book and read it (or perhaps simply stared blankly at the pages) until his train came. More details as we find out.

MUST READ!! soce orders hotdog

BANGOR, ME -- soce was one again spotted in the street. It is believed that he slowly but surely turned his body as he was walking and diverted his direction toward a hotdog stand on the street.

He then began engaging in a mysterious dialogue with a man who could only be described as existing "inside a window". It's quite possible that soce was simply talking to himself while looking into a window. soce also spent some time looking at a sign that contained various words, and beside those words, numbers, dollar signs and other punctuation marks.

There were at least a half-dozen people gathered to witness this latest publicity stunt. Most of them were gathered directly behind this ultra popular megastar who is famous for absolutely no reason, perhaps in the hopes that they too could receive food by talking into this mysterious window.

After soce finished his brave and stirring monologue, he reached into his pocket, where he pulled out a stunning billfold. From within that wallet, he again reached in so that he could grab some green pieces of paper and a few shiny metallic circles. He then used his magical talents to make the money disappear from his hand and then travel downward, where it reappeared on the window sill.

A few minutes later, a man's hand reached out and handed soce a hotdog. The hotdog was in a bun, which was in a thin paper basket. soce walked over to a nearby counter and began grabbing napkins and condiments "as if he owned the place", according to local pharmacist Richard Rolando.

"He must've grabbed two, possibly three napkins and used a good five or so squirts of ketchup and mustard on top of the meat. Mind you, the squirts unleashed the tiny of tiniest dots, but still, he had a lot of nerve. I personally would've just fled the scene, but he stuck around, eating his hotdog until he was finished."

After consuming his meal, soce stuck around for a bit, simultaneously rubbing his stomach and looking back at the sign and window, as though he was deciding whether or not to order more food or just move on. This is the last that we've heard of the situation. If anything new happens, we'll be sure to let you know.

THIS JUST IN: soce blows nose, coughs

FRANCONIA NOTCH, NH -- On exactly 8:05pm last Sunday SOCE was spotted walking down the street when he stopped, pulled a tissue out of his pocket and proceeded to blow his nose into it. He continued this many times over several minutes.

"It was the most amazing thing I had ever seen," stated Mark Bisbee (**names have been changed**). "He just kept that tissue up to his nose, sometimes folding it into smaller and smaller rectangles. The look on his face was one that resembled vague discomfort."

Just when it was believed that he was finished with this strange ritual, he turned his head to the side, raised his arm up and coughed slightly into it.

"I was astounded," Mark continued. "At first, he's doing one thing. Then, he's doing something else. I wasn't sure what he was going to do next."

Fellow onlooker Grace Shinobi agreed, "Yeah, it was really quite something. I hope he's okay. I've never seen anyone blow their nose or cough like that before."

After the nose-blowing / coughing incident, soce proceeded to walk down the street until he found a trashcan, where he promptly threw the tissue away. He looked closely at the trashcan to make sure he didn't miss when he threw it out.

"If he had missed on that throw, he probably would've bent down to pick it up. Sure, it would've gotten his hands dirty, but he's that kind of stand-up guy that he would look out for the surrounding community and make sure that his own garbage ends up in the proper place," Grace said, while licking a freshly scooped cone of ice cream.

More details on this story pending. We will do our best to keep you up to date.

soce on twitter.

I have a regular twitter feed as well as one where I just give out math problems.

Man, my blog is so fun, entertaining and insightful!! This gives you the real look at what my life is really all about. Good times, yeah.

Appearing in new Sierra Mist commercial!

I am there for a few seconds near the beginning!

Free Beats by Shockwave

props!!

Totally not spam

Looking at this blog, would you think I am a spambot? Well, I'm totally not. I am a real person. Please believe me!!! I have like a million websites, but they're all fun. I write for stuff, and I do stuff, and other stuff. I also like to leave comments on other people's sites. We have fun. Aight, peace.

Rock the Space

Something

I still do stuff.. at times.. on the radio, video, tv miracles, see these lyrical pills, it sounds spiritual,

Healthy like spirulina, I keep it cleana than I used to, no longer with the misdemeanors, I shine like listerene or

Dental floss.. Really.. whatever gets across, I'm set to toss it off a cliff. I don't fret a loss--

It's always good to change. I could behave. I'm through with rage. So busy, I usually lose a page.

Upcoming shows

Here's where you can spot me.. soon. For more info, please go to my my myspace website:

http://www.myspace.com/soce

Mar 12 2009 7:00P
Asian American Writer’s Workshop @ The Workshop New York, New York

Mar 20 2009 8:30P
9 Famous Irishmen @ Gotham City Improv New York, New York

Mar 25 2009 7:00P
Math Bee @ Chelsea Marketplace New York, New York

Mar 27 2009 8:00P
Five Points Variety Show @ Silk Road Place New York, New York

Mar 30 2009 8:00P
Recess at B Bar!! New York, New York

Apr 1 2009 8:00P
Shrink @ Otto’s Shrunken Head New York, New York

Apr 5 2009 1:00P
VCU ICF Richmond, Virginia

Apr 14 2009 8:00P
UG! COMEDY SHOW!! @ Underground Lounge New York, New York

Apr 15 2009 7:30P
Switzerland Neutral Comedy @ The Tank New York, New York

Apr 28 2009 9:00P
The Jake Seymour Telethon @ Ochi's Lounge New York, New York

May 3 2009 8:00P
The Carly Simon Comedy Hour @ Jazz on the Park!! New York, New York