NOW BIGGER, BADDER

PENNSAUKEN, NJ: We live in an era where things exist. Not just anything, but specific things. Other things as well. Often, we'd like to make additional money or else get more for less. Well, now we can.

It's been a lot of work, but you've finally created something very exciting for us. We just can't wait for you to unveil your latest creation. It's going to be something else, you can assure us of that.

Winding our way through the main streets, we seek you out. You say you don't want to ruin the surprise, but we know you're just dying to drop some hints; at least a few. If you proceed to clam up, then we're going to have to bat it out of you, and you probably don't want that.

Thanks so much for doing this for us. We can't say how helpful it is. Many have tried to hold us back and sell us small items while making pithy remarks, but not you. No, you have been nothing but the kindest, gentlest person for us. Waiting is difficult, but we will do what we can. Thanks.

SPILLING: Water

CRANSTON, NJ: I took a walk down the street. I was holding some red juice in my hand. Not in a cup. Well, my hands were cupped. It was fun. But then I tripped, and it got all over my shirt. My brand new white shirt!!

I was so unhappy. Life is tough some times. So I went to wash it. I poured soap and water into the sink and let it soak as I hoped for the best. Witnesses describe my mood as "melodramatic".

Later on, I was seen strutting somewhere else, this time holding some blue juice in my cupped hands, wearing another crisp, clean tee. This person never learns.

NEWS BULLETIN: People Could Die

CITY, TOWN: There was something that happened somewhere. From what I remember, there was a lot of screaming. People ran from one place to another. Then they waited a lot. If they hadn't been so careful, some people could have died. It was a pretty dangerous situation.

We're looking at grainy videotape footage in order to determine what actually occurred. Hopefully we'll have some results soon. I hear it's raining outside? We believe it was a man that committed the original act, although it may very well have been a woman.

This little misfortune cost the industry over 37 billion dollars. Imagine what would've happened had some people gotten hurt! An extra $42.59 of debt! Yikes! But thankfully, it didn't.

We appreciate the work of all those who've done great jobs scouting for signs of trouble. I'm sure it's quite difficult, and you totally did it. Excellent job. We really like those of you who are on horseback. Now if you can turn off the spigot somehow, that would be great too. Your PR advertisements aren't fooling me. Although to be honest, for many years, they were, and I thought you were great. Keep at it.

In Which Soce Goes Back in Time

The names's Guillaume. Don't forget the name. Video created by smallGRAND productions. Video Produced by Dan Haley. Video Directed and edited by Rachel Gordon. Music performed and produced by Soce the Elemental Wizard.

Let's talk about more math.

These two guys are absolutely thrilled to talk about the size of soce's farm.. mathematically. Why doesn't he just tell him the answer in the first place?

SAUCE: It got that sauce

EATERY, VA: Sometimes food can be good, but it can also be dry. Don't you hate that? You want to sink your teeth it, but sometimes you need to cough a few times first before taking a bite. But then once you're fully prepared, everything's fine.

So you may want to add in a little liquid that also contains flavoring. I also tend to like things that are spicy. Don't you? If I'm not crying while eating, then well.. what's the point? Oh, to provide me with nutrients because I'm a growing boy and/or girl, you say? I suppose, dear, I suppose.

Do yourself a favor and grab a bottle today. Interesting that sauce rarely comes in cans. It may be in a jar. Sometimes, it's just curry powder, and then you have to add in coconut milk or some other such substance. Gosh, this is a bit of an educational post, sort of. I didn't mean for it to be like that. I should get back to telling you important news. We shall see, won't we.

Two guys talk about math.

Imagine that. Oh, but it doesn't stop here.

OPINION PIECE: Does a phone cost money?

Hi. This is the editor here, and I have something to say. All this time, I have been using a phone, and I had no idea whether or not it costs money. So let's examine some facts and come to a conclusion. Do you like that idea? I feel that's really the only way to be certain. Besides, it's not a democracy. I'm here to write; you're here to read. That being said, I do appreciate your feedback, even if I ultimately don't heed it.

Fact 1) Phones have buttons. These buttons must be pushed numerous times if you wish to connect your phone to someone else's. At that point, you must raise the phone up to your face in order that your voice may be heard. Note that it is not necessary to speak into a phone if the person you're trying to communicate with is standing nearby. In that case, simply face the direction of said operative and speak toward his or her ears. That should suffice, as long as you are making sense.

Fact 2) You don't need to insert money into the phone. This and this alone would lead me to believe that phones are free. Here I am, talking, texting and web surfing (on some models.. can you imagine!) without paying anybody anything. All that really happens is that I receive an envelope mailed to my home address with some pieces of paper, and then some numbers change on a website and in a database somewhere, but it's not like I need to reach into my wallet every time I make a call, right? I mean, who would I even give the money to?? That would be just silly, handing out dollar bills to anyone who happened to be passing by.

Fact 3) I can't have everything that I want. This is more of an annoyance than an actual fact. For reals, though, why can't I? I think I'm a good person who deserves the best, but apparently not everyone else does. I guess it's up to me to go around convincing them or at least to let my work speak for itself. But work can't talk! It's not like my work is alive. Well, supposedly it lives on in people's hearts, but that's another matter altogether.

Okay so in total, we have one point toward, one against and another in a third direction. I guess that makes it a multi-way tie. I might need to bring in some experts on the matter.

THIS JUST IN: coffee machine explodes

Okay, well it didn't actually explode. There was more like a drip and a funny noise coming out of it when I pushed some buttons this morning. The buttons were on my cellphone, but I was in the office kitchen, getting some, you know, cereal and stuff? I like to have whole grains in the morning. I mean, who doesn't?

But then I looked over at yon coffee machine, and before you know it, there was beeping about some error message this and "needs more water" that, so I called over my friend Janice for help. You know Janice, right? She's pretty cool.

We talked it over and figured the best thing to do would be to return it to the manufacturer, but we didn't know how to unplug it from the wall or the water pipes (nor did we have a way to box it up and press "send"), so we just left it there. I hope it's okay.

Prologue: I came back the next day, and it seemed to be working fine, although truth be told, I don't really like coffee. Perhaps someone else fixed it. But there's no cereal left today, which sucks. I guess I'll have oatmeal instead.

This story was brought to you by cereal (our corporate sponsor). Thanks, cereal. Have some today (if it's in your kitchen).

BREAKING NEWS

If you thought that our newscast style was something in writing, wait til you see it on video! We hope you enjoy the truth we have to reveal to you. Also, we warn you that not watching it could be dangerous. It might not be dangerous.. but is that a risk you really want to take?

NEWS: Impending Doom

ISLAND MOUNTAINS, THE WORLD: The world is at risk of impending doom. We have super serious scientific evidence that this is such. We're so sad and sorry to say, but our job is to deliver you the truth, no matter how painful that may be. We've seen storm patterns and rain clouds, fire and brimstone, mixed fabrics and reality TV.

Please start purchasing extra amounts of duct tape and water bottles. Make sure the water bottles are empty so that you can fill them later. But don't get the nice, designer quality bottles, get the actual ones that you buy in the grocery / convenience store for around a dollar per bottle, empty out the water currently in them and then store the bottles themselves for future use. You're welcome.

Also, if you live somewhere with shoes hanging over the streetlights by the laces, then it's already over.

SPECIAL: soce scrubs his hands.. like A LOT

ANYWHERE: It's true. I couldn't stop staring at him, but mostly at his hands. They were withered husks of hands; no more dead skin; all the skin was alive. It made me write poetry, but not about his hands. Nope, I wrote about the stars and the sun and the sky. I read it to my girlfriend. She thought it was beautiful.

We went back to the sink, and he was still there. I was absolutely flabbergasted. We asked him to leave. It was our turn now. To wash. Our hands. In the sink. We cried. We hugged. We begged. Still, he would not leave. Ever eternally, he remains. Washing his hands.

FUN FACT: soce likes videogames

But he is not alone. Apparently number one from the streets headliner killer emcee P.A.T. is a fan as well and has been one for quite some time. Find out more by listening to their BAAB Remix.

MASHED UP: Pop-Ups

Pop-Up ads are everywhere on the internet, but there's only so much you can get out of text. soce has helpfully added vibrant sound and music to make them truly leap out at you, or "pop", as we say in the business of notebooking.

DISCOVERED: soce reading a tennis ball

ROSE FAIR COUNTRY CLUB: soce was sitting next to a tennis court, inside a gazebo. He was wearing white shorts, a white polo shirt, white sneakers and white socks. His hair, surprisingly, was still brown. Oh and also he was reading a tennis ball.. although you may have already known that from reading the title of this article.

Witnesses pondered what he could have found so exciting about said tennis ball, as from their vantage point, all it had written on it was "Tennis Ball", and the name of the manufacturer. Do tennis balls also list their ingredients? Possible on the can, but on the ball itself? Is that important to know? Was there some sort of secret code that could be leading to treasure?

Is soce in on it, but nobody else is? Is someone else in on it? Does he have a partner somewhere? Perhaps multiple partners? Was he even at a tennis court at all? When was the last time you heard someone talk about a gazebo before reading it here? Are you alive? What is religion? Who are we? Democrat or Republican? Do you ever find yourself being attracted to people you can't stand?

All these questions and more will be asked in a future newscast.. Stay tuned.

SURPRISE: soce is a two-headed goat

LADAKH, KASHMIR: People have spotted a two-headed goat walking down the streets, and they are positive beyond a doubt that it is soce. They saw the goat being herded by a particularly sexy blonde celebrate named [Ed: Name withheld by request.], and she was doing her trademark action of [Ed: Action withheld by request], along with [Ed: Withheld by request] and [Ed: etc].

How are they so positive that it's soce? "Welllll..." began a man who was actually quite handsome, and we're thinking about approaching him for his phone number after this interview wraps up.. but it's actually kind of tough because despite our serious exterior, we're really quite shy and forlorn about our own life situations and placement, "He had soce's swagger, he was all like walking down the street and talking to himself.

"Mostly speaking in goat tongue of course, but he had this inimitable rhythm to his flow, it was like there was a real message to it. Even a story, perhaps. Oh, and when he wasn't speaking his cute lil goat language, he was quacking like a duck, or possibly tweeting like a fish, oops I mean bird chick." Our witness then leaned forward, and we saw that he had a very hairy chest.. Dreamy. We leaned toward him as well to perhaps give him a small peck on the neck, but we accidentally bumped heads.. That was a bit awkward, but he played it off now by ignoring that it ever happened, finally adding, "I have to go."

So this goat walked around the city some more and then was seen scaling some rock cliffs. The woman he was with sometimes had to assist him, pushing him up the really steep parts. In exchange, he let her ride him during the flat parts. She seemed mostly at ease, although sometimes she was visibly distressed, making claims about "needing to reschedule a meeting with her publicist".

Most people were impressed at seeing soce for the first time. Others, not so much. Trent Trinkleberry had this on his mind, "It's a lot like when MTV2 came out with their logo The Two-Headed Dog, and they had a website and everything. I mean it was all over Friendster in the 80s, oh wait I mean like 2003-2004. It was weird, too because they played some videos such as 'Extreme Walking' that had been played on MTV1 years before, so it wasn't even like they were ushering in anything new. And that's how I feel about soce as well."

Not ushering in anything new, you say? In response, soce's right head had this to say, "Blort." While his left head, during a different interview, stated: "Baaaaaah."

DATING: Asians

SCENE: soce at a party

SAGE THEATER, TIMES SQUARE: This is how soce gets down.

Featuring Dave T. Koenig, Emmy Rivera, Shane Webb, Peter Vellios, Devon Ragsdale, Justin Zell, Dan Venning, Erik Lillimagi, Marcus Caceras Broussard, Jackie Silvestri and Paul M Bauer. Filmed by Liam Ahern.

WATCH THIS: Out Hip Hop Music Videos

We interrupt our extremely general newscast to give you some of the latest out hip hop videos. These are all high quality and deserve to be seen on MTV or whatever video music channel exists these days. Enjoy!

Drew Mason: This Music's In My Soul

ENV: We're Taking Over

Johnny Dangerous: (Wan Dat) Azz Iz

Baron: Party With B

Pam Jones: Malibu Coconut

JFP: Ex-Hos

Melange Lavonne: Gay Bash

MC Flow: Created Equal

FOUND: Two Celebrities Holding Hands

NIGHTCLUB, MAIN ST: Two celebrities were discovered holding hands last night while walking down the street. They had never been seen together until now. So, it's official. We're letting people know that not only are they dating, but they have eloped, married and had a whole litter of bouncing beautiful babies. We wish them the best of luck.

One of the celebrities was interviewed, saying on record (and I quote): "Yeah we are good friends, and I like when we spend time together." The other one challenged that assumption with, "Oh him? I actually was losing my balance, and he reached out to grab my hand and pull me back up. We probably had skin-to-skin contact for all of about, what? Like four seconds."

Oh, but it was the four seconds heard [Ed. Note: "seen"?] around the world. We at the media elite headquarters are utterly shocked and never would have predicted in a million years that these two would have ended up together. Seriously. If we spent a whole million years trying to guess which to stars would end up as a couple, these two never would have crossed our minds.

In other news, we believe we may have spotted another illogical grouping of people down the street as well. We're heading over there to investigate, and we'll get back to you shortly, or not at all!